Friend
noun
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A person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.
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A contact on a social media application.
Friendship
noun
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The emotions or conduct of friends; the state of being friends.
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A relationship between friends.
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A state of mutual trust and support.
Have you ever actually looked up the definition of friendship?
I hadn’t—at least not intentionally—until I sat down to write this. As I tried to define friendship in my own words, I realized I didn’t know where to begin. So, naturally, I did what we all do: I looked it up.
And honestly? I was surprised by how vague it was.
“The state of being friends.”
Okay… but what does that actually mean?
So I looked up friend next and felt equally underwhelmed by the idea of a “bond of mutual affection.” I laughed out loud when I read that social media contacts are now officially included in the definition. At the risk of dating myself, I remember life before social media—but I’ve also lived through the shift that came with it. The way the word friend changed once numbers, followers, and acceptance buttons became part of the equation is something worth unpacking… just maybe in a later post.
Because in real life, friendship is far more complicated than any dictionary definition.
How Our Definition of Friendship Changes as We Grow
As a young girl, friendship was simple. It was the girls I spent the most time with—inside school, outside school, running around without a care in the world. If we liked the same things, had fun together, and were kind to each other, we were friends. There was no depth, no analysis, no emotional labor. Just presence.
As I got older, friendship started to come with pressure. The need to be popular. The idea that having more friends somehow meant being more liked, more valuable, more worthy. This was before social media or the internet, but even then, the desire to feel accepted and appreciated quietly crept into how I defined friendship.
By high school, I learned the lesson many of us eventually do: friendship isn’t about quantity—it’s about quality. It wasn’t who could do things for me or make me look good; it was who wanted to be around me without tearing me down. Who stood beside me during the tears and drama of teenage life—and who caused them.
Then social media arrived.
Social Media and the Redefinition of “Friend”
Suddenly, friendship became something you could request. Accept. Collect.
You didn’t need shared history, common values, or even a real-life meeting. Anyone could be a “friend.” And just like that, the definition of friendship was simplified—and, in many ways, diluted.
The number mattered more than the individual.
And I bought into it.
Heading into college, I treated friendship like a scoreboard. A fresh start meant getting those numbers up—proving I was thriving, growing, becoming an adult. I distanced myself from my high school friends, made choices I wasn’t honest about, and prioritized new, shiny relationships over old, steady ones.
Eventually, those friendships disappeared.
But I didn’t feel it at the time. My phone was always buzzing. My calendar was full. My online friendships were exploding. I felt successful. I felt validated.
When TV Friendships Shape Real-Life Expectations
I watched shows like Dawson’s Creek and F.R.I.E.N.D.S and absorbed the idea that true friendship looked like a tight-knit group who loved each other through everything. I thought I had found that—the kind of chosen family everyone talks about. That group is who you meet in my book Sweet Lies & Burnt Grounds.
I was convinced I had discovered the true meaning of friendship.
Or at least, I thought I had.
What Friendship Means to Me Now
Years have passed. A lot has changed—especially my understanding of what it means to be a friend.
If I could go back and tell my younger self one thing, it would be this: friendship is selfless.
It’s not about you.
The dictionary says friendship is “a person whom one knows and has a bond of mutual affection with,” but in today’s world, knowing someone doesn’t mean much. Mutual affection alone isn’t enough either. I have affection for extended family members—that doesn’t automatically make them my friends.
True friendship goes deeper.
The friendships I have today are the ones that helped me define not only what real friendship looks like—but who I am. These are not relationships built on convenience, numbers, or validation. They are built on care, presence, honesty, and a genuine desire to see the other person happy, healthy, and thriving.
When I think about being a good friend now, it’s simple:
I want nothing in return.
No expectations. No keeping score. No hidden hope that they’ll give back more than they receive. Just the privilege of being there—and maybe a hug if I’m lucky.
There are many levels of friendship, and I’ll explore those more in future posts. But at its core, friendship is not about mutual benefit—it’s about mutual care.
So, What Is Your Definition of Friendship?
What does friendship mean to you now—not when you were younger, not when numbers mattered, not when social media told you it should look a certain way?
How would you define friendship based on your own experience?
I’d love to know.
